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The Adventures of Captain Hoverbrain: Why My Tanks Keep Finding the Worst Spots to Park

RichinZhills

Corporal
This is more of just a simple little continuing story about my Hover Tank captain, whose ongoing mission is to simply make my life more aggravating:

You know, I've been thinking about the brave souls piloting my Hover Tanks in battle, and I have some questions for HQ. Namely, who in the Future Era thought it was a good idea to install bargain-bin GPS systems in these things?

Let me set the scene: my Hover Tank is cruising across a perfect battlefield. Plenty of open plains to exploit its invisibility and dominate the enemy’s Progressive-era troops. The plan is flawless. What could go wrong? Enter Captain Hoverbrain, whose decision-making skills seem to come straight out of a comedy sketch.

Instead of using the wide, open, safe plains that practically beg for invisibility, Captain Hoverbrain decides to casually drift into the nearest forest, hill, or any other random square that screams "shoot me here!" I imagine him sitting in the cockpit, squinting at his malfunctioning GPS as it confidently announces, "Recalculating… turn left into enemy fire in 50 feet."

And don’t even get me started on the circuitry in these tanks. I swear, it’s like HQ repurposed toaster parts and called it cutting-edge tech. The poor pilot probably spends most of the battle high on carbon monoxide fumes because of a faulty exhaust system. How else do you explain the suicidal moves? He’s probably seeing double by the time the first round of enemy fire hits.

Meanwhile, my perfectly good strategy goes up in smoke (like Captain Hoverbrain’s brain cells), and I’m left watching in horror as my Hover Tank, my expensive, high-tech, supposed-to-be-unstoppable Future unit—gets lit up by Progressive-era snipers who are probably just as confused as I am about how they got the shot. Not to mention all the damage Arty does when my Tank is supposed to be immune to distant attacks.

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if the tank’s AI system is actively working against me. Maybe the onboard computer had a grudge because I skipped the last software update? Or maybe HQ thought it’d be fun to test their "adaptive AI learning" by making the tanks stupider over time.

Can someone please patch Captain Hoverbrain’s GPS, detox the cockpit, and remind these tanks that they’re supposed to stay on plains? I’m not asking for perfection—just a little less self-sabotage from my Future troops. Until then, I’ll just keep watching my Hover Tanks roll into danger like they’re auditioning for a stunt car crash scene on a Mad Maxx remake.

RIP, Hover Tank. You were brave. You were powerful. You were also incredibly dumb.

-A frustrated commander who misses the good old days of units that actually listened.
 
Last edited:

Xeon of Camelot

Major-General
my Hover Tanks roll into danger like they’re auditioning for a stunt car crash scene on a Mad Maxx remake.
Welcome to FOE Auto-battle, those brave hovers are tough; perhaps those hover commanders think they are invincible. lol
If you want them to do anything but dumb things you need to do manual-battle, as they say in France "C'est la vie"
 

Droppy

Major
You would think that a good Commander would dismiss that Captain and start leading his troops himself. It seems rather foolish to keep using that Captain and complain about his lack of battle skills.
 

RichinZhills

Corporal
A Cautionary Tale of Battlefield Recycling

Ah, the battlefield. A place of strategy, cunning, and—if you happen to be commanding Hover Tanks—absolute, unrelenting nonsense. After the last disaster where Captain Hoverbrain and his squad of self-sabotaging hovercraft turned an easy win into a fiery wreckage, I assumed the worst was over. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Turns out, the enemy’s Progressive-era troops are quite the opportunists. Instead of simply celebrating their baffling victory, they decided to recycle every piece of my fallen tanks. Snipers, artillery crews, even a few overenthusiastic conscripts—these guys weren’t just scavenging, they were innovating.

Now, I present to you the newest nightmare in Progressive Age warfare: Ultra Hover Tank Depleted Rounds™ (see below).

Oh yes, they took the scraps of my once-mighty tanks—charred hover panels, fried circuits, and GPS units that still scream “Recalculating!”—and somehow engineered them into ammunition that ignores stealth. That’s right. The very stealth that made my Hover Tanks an invisible menace has been cancelled by some trench engineers with a duct tape budget.

And how effective are these recycled nightmares? Let’s just say, despite my tanks boasting a 3000% defensive shell of futuristic, next-gen, probably-impossible armor, these rounds slice through like a hot knife through butter. My once-invincible behemoths are getting wrecked by their own debris—like a cruel cosmic joke written by the demented double-agent designers themselves with secret blueprints being smuggled over to the opposing army.

Even my converted rogues, poor souls, aren’t safe. You’d think turning into a Hover Tank would be a step up for these guys, right? Wrong. Turns out, the moment they morph, they’re just stepping into a high-tech coffin. They don’t even get the dignity of a last stand—just a split second of realization before getting shredded by what is essentially an angry exoskeleton made from their predecessors. My hospital is overflowing with the brave remains of fallen hero's. It's shocking sometimes, even when using the Tanks on Expeditions, the second Temple will blindside my tank with a blowgun and I'll have to replace it.

And let’s talk about Captain Hoverbrain. He should have learned something from last time, but no—he still steers my tanks straight into enemy fire like he’s on a mission to personally test their new ammo. He's mainlining Diamonds like they were some type of illegal drug just to pay for the repairs to keep the tanks moving. Maybe he’s just trying to return the spare parts directly to their makers. Maybe he’s secretly working for the enemy. Or maybe—just maybe—his onboard AI remembers what happened last battle and just wants the suffering to end. Occasionally, he'll come across a the remains of another Tank, but oh so rarely will any Diamond residue remain. In fact, He's sent out diamond request to the 14 other worlds, requesting any and all Diamond production be sent his way immediately.

At this point, I’m half expecting my own tanks to start self-destructing preemptively just to deny the enemy more crafting materials. It’s only a matter of time before they upgrade their ammo again. What’s next? Stealth-seeking hover rounds with built-in homing technology? Armor-melting EMPs made from the leftover AI chips? A sniper bullet that hacks my game and deletes my entire army?

I don’t ask for much. Just a little fairness. A little logic. Maybe a patch that stops my tanks from leaving the plains and being the main ingredient in the enemy’s next big weapon. Until then, I’ll be here—watching my Hover Tanks become an expensive exercise in futility. I remember when the Future battleground was made up of simple domes. Now they're overgrown with everything and the plains are disappearing. So instead of being the most feared unit on the Industrial or Progressive battlefield, they're like the proverbial moth that's attracted to furthest artillery piece, driving right into the bushes or forest to be targeted by every ranged unit. Sitting like a lame duck in a pond waiting to be shot at.

RIP, Rogue-Turned-Hover-Tank #437. You died as you lived: clueless, unlucky, and completely doomed.

Recovered from a double-agent:

Ultra Hover Tank Depleted Rounds™ – Technical Brief

Manufacturer: Improvised Battlefield Engineering Corps (a.k.a. Opportunistic Snipers & Artillery Crews)
Composition: Repurposed Hover Tank fragments, depleted energy cores, salvaged targeting systems
Classification: Stealth-Piercing Kinetic Ammunition

Ballistic Performance:

  • Muzzle Velocity: 4,500 m/s (because stolen Future Tech > actual Future Tech and Progressive units are better than Future Age)
  • Fire Rate: Variable (depends on how fast snipers can slap rounds into their rifles, but Lag is still a major issue when returning fire)
  • Effective Range: Unlimited (because the auto-battle hates Hover Tanks, like bad refs for the home team)

Stealth Detection Capabilities:

  • AI-Enhanced Targeting: Utilizes recycled Hover Tank GPS and sensor data to predict stealth unit positions and mutual attraction
  • Infrared & Quantum Wave Tracking: Detects heat signatures, movement anomalies, and sheer desperation of hiding tanks
  • Auto-Lock System: Adjusts trajectory mid-air to ensure maximum frustration for commanders

Armor Penetration Efficiency:

  • Base Armor Piercing Value: 3,000% (somehow bypassing the Hover Tank’s 3,000% defense)
  • Kinetic Energy Transfer: Enough to make a railgun jealous and more power than just a nasty bitch-slap
  • Explosive Impact: Moderate, but unnecessary since the initial hit already ruined your day

Additional Features:

  • Homing Functionality: Stealth is ignored, so why not?
  • EMP Residual Charge: May have the top-secret undocumented "blast" capability, converting rogues and damaging them too
  • Rogue-Termination Mode: Identifies and prioritizes converted rogues for instant elimination or massive damage, sometime 1-shotting them
  • "Revenge Algorithm™": Gains +10% accuracy for every destroyed Hover Tank added to the ammo stockpile

Final Tactical Assessment:

If your Hover Tank exists, it will be hit. If it gets hit, it will be destroyed. If it’s destroyed, congratulations—you just provided the enemy with more ammo.

Recommendation: Commanders are advised to either abandon Hover Tank strategies or start developing the Hover Tank Depleted Round Deflection Shield™ (patent pending).

End of Brief
 

RichinZhills

Corporal

Lieutenant Hoverbrain’s Urban Warfare Misadventure: The PvP Tower Gauntlet

Ah, yes. The PvP Towers, where auto-battlers go to die, and where Lt. Hoverbrain (recently demoted for excessive stupidity) now finds himself navigating the most treacherous battlefield of all: a city with actual roads.

For reasons that defy all logic, command has reassigned him to urban operations, which means driving a Hover Tank through a cramped, small-laned PvP district that was clearly not designed for anything larger than a horse-drawn carriage. Predictably, Lt. Hoverbrain handles this about as well as you’d expect. Local law enforcement has taken to laying down The Hover Tank Graviton Trap™ which seems quite effective against Hover Tanks.

The Usual PvP Nightmare: The Same 13 Players, The Same Beating​

Let’s start with the fact that PvP matchmaking has somehow paired me against the same 13 players who always get assigned to Hover Tank duty. It doesn’t matter when I queue up or how I switch up my strategy—it's always these same lucky opponents, already gleefully waiting at the corner of Main Street and Instant Defeat Avenue, fully equipped with their newly-minted Ultra Hover Tank Depleted Rounds™.

So, naturally, Lt. Hoverbrain’s first instinct?

Roll up on a curb

Because, obviously, the best way to assert dominance is to drive a multi-ton war machine onto an elevated sidewalk at a 30-degree angle, effectively trapping himself between a PvP Tower and a suspiciously fragile café.

The Botanical Garden Fiasco​

Now, assuming he somehow un-lodges himself from the curb (which usually takes about three turns and a prayer), the next obstacle on this scenic route of suffering?

The Botanical Gardens.

Yes, Lt. Hoverbrain—renowned for his impeccable navigation skills—somehow drives through the one place filled with bystanders who aren’t even part of the war. Trampling the trees, bushes, waterways, and turning the kiosks into rubble and small hills. And what do they do?

☕ They throw their lattes. ☕

Not just any lattes—no, these are venti, extra-foam, oat milk, triple-shot caramel drizzled rage missiles that short out the Hover Tank’s bargain-bin Blue-Light Special™ invisibility sensors. Result? My stealth is disabled. Which means?

Rocks now count as armor-piercing projectiles.

That’s right. With the tank now fully visible and drenched in overpriced caffeine, it turns out that regular civilians hurling pebbles can actually do damage. A tank—a heavily armored futuristic tank—reduced to taking HP damage from what is essentially aggressive landscaping.

The Wi-Fi Hack: Courtesy of Starbucks Commandos​

As if things weren’t bad enough, the tank’s Bargain Basement Wi-Fi™ (standard issue, of course) automatically connects to the nearest Starbucks public network. And not just any public network with security, no, the plain old free ones and there's twenty or thirty to pick from, so obviously it chooses Hakerz-r-us since it has the strongest broadcast strength. The auto-logon sequence "asks" for a password, even though the connection is free. And Lt. Hoverbrain thinks using the same password that the Tanks command and control system uses, password1234, of course is the best option.

You see, the enemy has a special ops unit hidden among the baristas. The Starbucks Commandos, an elite cyber-warfare team armed with nothing but pumpkin spice and packet sniffers, immediately exploit this connection and:

☕ Hack the targeting system
☕ Install a pop-up ad on the HUD that takes over the battle screen
☕ Re-route the GPS directly into oncoming traffic
☕ Change all battle commands to "Place Mobile Order"

So now Lt. Hoverbrain is stuck mid-battle, completely helpless as his screen flashes:

"Your Hover Tank's targeting system has encountered an error. Would you like to try our new Mocha Cold Brew?"

Meanwhile, my PvP opponents? They’re just sitting back, watching this disaster unfold while casually loading another round of scrap-metal death bullets into their sniper rifles of doom.

Final Score?

  • Hover Tank: Needs repairs and/or replacement.
  • PvP Towers: Not intimidated at all, waiting for the return for more of the same beat-down.
  • Starbucks Commandos: Free refills being offered, so no loss of ammo.
At this point, I have two options after waiting an hour and a half for support teams to show up: and get my Tank operatio:
1️⃣ Get my Tank operational again after getting shredded by coffee-fueled urban resistance.
2️⃣ Submit a patch request to HQ asking for Hover Tanks to be equipped with curb avoidance AI, waterproof stealth coatings, and a VPN.

Until then, I’ll just watch as Lt. Hoverbrain continues his downward spiral—soon to be demoted again to 2nd Louie if he so much as breathes near another pedestrian zone.

The Hover Tank Graviton Trap™

(Because If We Can’t Have Nice Things, Neither Can Your Hover Tank)

Manufacturer: Opportunistic Engineers & PvP Trolls Inc.
Classification: Magneto-Gravitational Immobilization Device (MGID)
Primary Function: Render Hover Tanks useless by turning them into glorified scrap piles

Operational Mechanics:

  • Deployment Method:
    • Disguised as battlefield debris, abandoned supply crates, or that one rock Lt. Hoverbrain always runs over.
    • Activated by proximity sensors tuned specifically to Hover Tank hover field emissions.
  • Activation Sequence:
    • As soon as a Hover Tank passes over, the Graviton Trap™ activates, latching onto the undercarriage with extreme force.
    • Generates a localized gravitational anomaly, attracting every loose piece of metal in a 50-meter radius.
    • Essentially turns the Hover Tank into a battlefield scrap vortex, dragging itself down to the ground under the sheer weight of every nearby bolt, bullet casing, and rusty pipe.

Performance Specifications:

  • Magnetic Strength: 125 Tesla (Approximately the strength of every fridge magnet on Earth combined)
  • Weight Induction: Converts a 10-ton Hover Tank into a 70-ton immobile metal disaster
  • Range: 50m active radius for metal attraction; indefinite once attached
  • Stealth Penetration: Detects and targets Hover Tanks even when cloaked (because let’s be honest, their stealth system is garbage anyway)
  • Anti-Countermeasure Capabilities:
    • EMP-resistant shielding ensures deactivation attempts fail spectacularly.
    • Auto-locking sequence prevents Lt. Hoverbrain from simply ‘shaking it off.’

Tactical Effects:

  • Instantly Grounds Hover Tanks: Converts them from high-speed tactical units to sitting ducks.
  • Hindering Mobility: Even if the tank tries to move, it now drags half the battlefield with it.
  • Shrapnel Attraction: Every spent round, broken weapon, and possibly even enemy armor plates get sucked in, reducing battlefield visibility and creating impromptu metal sculptures.
  • Rogue-Termination Feature: Once a Rogue converts into a Hover Tank, the Graviton Trap™ still works, meaning your last-ditch escape plan is now also doomed.

Final Tactical Assessment:

If you thought Hover Tanks were bad at navigating curbs, latte-based stealth disruptions, or PvP towers, just wait until they get stuck under the weight of their own scrap-based legacy.

Once attached, your Hover Tank is no longer a vehicle of war—it is now:
☑ A battlefield landmark
☑ A very expensive barricade
☑ A monument to bad design choices

Recommended Countermeasures:
  • Accept fate.
  • Politely request that a AAA card be issued for road-side assistance.
  • Stop using Hover Tanks. Seriously, is that even an option?
 

RichinZhills

Corporal

Stanleigh Hoverbrain: A Biography of Accidental Greatness​

Early Life & The First Signs of Catastrophe​

Stanleigh Hoverbrain was born in the peaceful, uneventful town of Middling Flats, a place where the most exciting thing to ever happen was the installation of a second stop sign. From an early age, Stanleigh demonstrated a remarkable talent for tripping over his own feet, misreading simple instructions, and somehow surviving situations that should have been fatal.

His childhood was a string of near-miss disasters:
  • Accidentally winning a science fair by causing an electrical fire that produced an oddly beautiful explosion.
  • Becoming the only student in school history to receive an award for both perfect attendance and being banned from every lab.
  • Developing a natural talent for navigation failure, once getting lost in his own house after someone moved a couch.

The "Accidental" Acceptance to Hover Tank Academy​

One fateful day, Stanleigh applied for a custodial position at the prestigious Hover Tank Academy. Due to a clerical error (and a suspicious coffee spill on the admissions database), his application was mistakenly categorized under “Elite Combat Pilots.”

Despite never having driven anything more complex than a shopping cart, Stanleigh was welcomed into one of the most advanced military institutions in the world.

Naturally, his time at the Academy was a series of baffling incidents that should have gotten him expelled, but instead, propelled him to the top of his class:

  • Flight Simulation Exam: Successfully evaded all enemy fire… by accidentally flying his Hover Tank backward.
  • Tactical Planning Course: Earned a perfect score when a random doodle on his test paper was misinterpreted as a genius strategic maneuver.
  • Field Training Exercise: Led his squad completely off-course, which somehow resulted in an accidental ambush on an enemy training group. He received a medal.

The "Unbelievable" Rise to Battleground Commander​

Upon graduation, the Academy desperately tried to reassign him to desk duty. However, through yet another paperwork mix-up, Stanleigh's name was mistakenly placed on the "High-Priority Officer Promotion List."

Despite protests from seasoned generals, a technical glitch in the system meant that Stanleigh Hoverbrain was the only name left in the pool.

And so, by sheer administrative dysfunction, Stanleigh Hoverbrain was officially promoted to Battleground Commander.

Legacy & Tactical Impact​

Commander Hoverbrain’s approach to warfare is often described as “unintentionally groundbreaking”:

  • He once led a full-scale assault on the wrong battlefield, only to win by accident when the real enemy force crashed into his misplaced defenses.
  • His Hover Tank strategy (known as “Let’s See What Happens”) has been studied by scholars, mostly to understand how not to fight a war.
  • His leadership has resulted in some of the most advanced enemy weaponry ever seen, all made from scraps of his own destroyed Hover Tanks.
Today, Lt. Stanleigh Hoverbrain continues to command with unwavering confusion and unshakable optimism, forever proving that sometimes, the key to success isn’t skill or intelligence—it’s simply being too unpredictable to fail.
 

RichinZhills

Corporal

Lt. Hoverbrain’s Unintentional Dominance in Guild Battlegrounds​

Against all odds (and basic military logic), Lt. Stanleigh Hoverbrain has accidentally become one of the most feared and frustrating commanders in the entire Diamond League.

The Accidental Rise to #37​

While seasoned commanders meticulously planned every attack, Lt. Hoverbrain—through a mixture of sleep-deprived button mashing and complete misunderstanding of sector control mechanics managed to achieve an overall rank of #37 in the Diamond League.

Some say it was luck, others claim it was tactical genius so advanced it only looked like incompetence. Regardless, his "unconventional" strategies led to utter chaos in the battlegrounds:
  • The “Almost Take” Maneuver™:
    • Lt. Hoverbrain had a peculiar habit of launching full-scale attacks on sectors, only to leave the last encounter unfinished—essentially holding entire battlefields hostage while other guilds waited in pure confusion.
    • Some enemy guilds cried actual tears of frustration, watching their battle plans disintegrate while they waited for “The Hoverbrain Effect” to play out.
  • The Graviton Trap™ Aftermath:
    • The infamous Hover Tank Graviton Traps™, meant to stop his own tanks from floating off into stupidity, were accidentally left all over the battlefield.
    • These traps immobilized enemy units, attracted random battlefield debris, and caused logistical nightmares for guilds trying to mount coordinated attacks, this caused severe attrition rises and limited their own ability to rampage without limitations.
    • Enemy leaders filed formal complaints to HQ, cried, wet themselves, and demanding their removal, but—since Hoverbrain forgot to mark their locations—even his own guild had no idea where they all were. Some even broke their word, attacking sectors against the truce they made not to.
  • Night Raids of Doom™:
    • Due to his horribly inconsistent sleep schedule, Lt. Hoverbrain often launched midnight solo attacks on entire enemy sectors.
    • His half-finished, barely-coherent assaults left guilds scrambling to figure out if they should defend, attack, or just go back to bed and hope he stopped.
    • One commander reportedly rage-quit after Hoverbrain accidentally took a sector their guild had been preparing for two hours to contest.

The Hoverbrain Effect: Strategy or Madness?​

Despite rival guilds pulling their hair out, many analysts now study the so-called “Hoverbrain Effect”:
☑ An enemy who takes sectors—but not quite.
☑ Littering battlefields with unpredictable hazards.
☑ Attacking at the most inconvenient hours possible.
☑ Inspiring frustration-induced diplomacy as enemy guilds form temporary alliances just to deal with him.

Final Evaluation​

Lt. Hoverbrain’s success is not just a fluke—it’s a phenomenon of unintended destruction. His ability to turn chaos into a strategic advantage has left the battlefield forever changed.

"Was this all part of the plan?" a war correspondent once asked.
Hoverbrain simply stared blankly, shrugged, and walked off—directly into another battlefield trap he forgot was there. But like a true trooper, he shrugged it off. He had heard of this shady Rival figure and asked for reassignment to the 4th Expeditionary Service Support Group. So watch out...
 

RichinZhills

Corporal

Captain Hoverbrain and the Quest for the Forgotten Temple​

After his accidental domination in the Guild Battlegrounds, Stanleigh Hoverbrain was promoted back to Captain—mostly because no one else wanted to deal with him. This time, his mission was to find the Forgotten Temple, rumored to hold incredible power (or possibly just more Hover Tank parts, the reports were unclear).

The Rival’s Return​

His arch-nemesis, The Rival, was already on the move, gathering elite troops and high-tech gadgets to reach the temple first. But Hoverbrain wasn’t worried. He had his trusty Hover Tanks, all four of them and his questionable GPS, with his unmatched ability to accidentally succeed.

Rainforest Resistance​

Little did he know, the Rainforest Activists were also in play. These guys and gals had headquarters at the Rain Forest Project and were very serious about replanting trees on the battlefield, tearing down supply depots and microwave towers to create piles of junk for the Graviton traps to attract, and limiting Military expeditions into native forests. While very determined to protect the jungle from military destruction, they performed night paragliding missions, dropping in with their newly developed weapons:
  • Poisoned Latte Blowdarts™:
    • Using a deadly mixture of jungle toxins and artisanal coffee, the activists created darts that shorted out the Hover Tanks’ stealth mode.
    • The caffeine-laden poison had a dual effect:
      • It neutralized the invisibility sensors, causing them to emit a faint blue glow that made the tanks look like floating disco balls.
      • It confused the onboard AI, which kept recalculating the route in a desperate attempt to find the nearest coffee shop.
  • Jungle Terrain Challenges:
    • The jungle paths were muddy and treacherous, and soft spots caused the Hover Tanks to touch down unexpectedly, breaking their hovering pattern and slowing them to a crawl.
    • This also meant the stealth field flickered, exposing them to enemy ambushes (and causing the onboard systems to insist on recalibrating… repeatedly).

The AI’s Jungle Meltdown​

Captain Hoverbrain’s Hover Tank was equipped with the latest in bargain-bin GPS technology, powered by the ConfuZ-Nav™ AI System—a navigation system notorious for its inability to handle off-road terrain. It was designed to function flawlessly on well-paved streets and bustling city grids, but the dense, uncharted jungle was another matter entirely.

Jungle Mapping Catastrophe​

As the Hover Tank ventured deeper into the rainforest, the AI’s satellite link became useless, and its topographical map failed to load. The screen showed nothing but a plain, featureless field of green, with the Hover Tank represented as a tiny, blinking blip smack in the middle.
  • The blip flickered erratically, as the AI struggled to comprehend why the tank wasn’t on a road.
  • The screen repeatedly flashed messages like:
    • “Recalculating… Recalculating… Recalculating…”
    • “Warning: No road detected. Proceed to the nearest street for accurate navigation.”
    • “Error 404: Jungle Not Found.”

The AI’s Existential Crisis​

ConfuZ-Nav™ wasn’t just malfunctioning; it was having a full-blown existential crisis. The AI’s programming wasn’t designed to handle a world without roads, and it began to doubt its own purpose.
  • “If there are no roads… then where am I?” the AI pondered aloud, its synthetic voice quivering.
  • It then tried to redefine the jungle by labeling random clusters of trees as “unpaved roads” and streams as “low-maintenance highways.”
  • When that failed, it switched to satellite view, which only served to show more green nothingness, reinforcing its growing identity crisis.

Useless Alerts and Directions​

Despite its existential spiral, the AI continued to churn out useless directions:
  • “In 500 feet, turn left onto… foliage.”
  • “Continue straight… indefinitely.”
  • “Recalculating… Oh, come on!”
  • “Destination: Nowhere, ETA: Forever.”
At one point, it insisted on recalibrating the route every few seconds, causing the screen to flash and blink uncontrollably, making it look like Captain Hoverbrain was navigating a malfunctioning disco ball.

Jungle Induced Paranoia​

The longer the AI remained lost, the more paranoid it became:
  • It mistook vines for suspension bridges and hanging moss for traffic signals, insisting Captain Hoverbrain wait for the light to change.
  • At one point, it detected a nearby parrot and confidently announced: “Approaching pedestrian. Caution: Yield to crosswalk.”
  • The AI then spent 20 minutes recalculating after trying to figure out if a mud puddle was a parking space.

The Coup de Grâce: The Green Screen of Despair​

After hours of hopeless recalculating, the AI finally did the unthinkable—it froze. The screen turned a solid shade of jungle green, with the blip in the middle spinning in a perpetual loop. It was the ConfuZ-Nav™ equivalent of a mental breakdown.
  • The screen displayed one last message:
    • “Error: Reality Not Found. Please contact technical support.”
  • The AI then proceeded to play the elevator hold music while it sat there, motionless, leaving Captain Hoverbrain to navigate by gut instinct… or lack thereof.

Captain Hoverbrain’s Realization​

Confused but undeterred, Captain Hoverbrain tapped the screen a few times, shook his head, and muttered, “Stupid jungle… someone needs to build better roads around here.” He then blindly continued forward, blissfully unaware that his onboard AI had officially given up on life.

Meanwhile, the jungle continued to stretch out endlessly in all directions, and the AI’s blip just kept spinning… and spinning… and spinning…

The Rival’s Surprise​

Meanwhile, The Rival was swiftly navigating the jungle, unaware that Captain Hoverbrain’s unintentional chaos was disrupting the terrain.
  • Hoverbrain’s misplaced Graviton Traps™ and accidental clearing of jungle paths created bottlenecks that slowed The Rival’s forces to a standstill.
  • The littered remnants of fallen Hover Tanks became obstacles that trapped The Rival’s scouts, making it look like Hoverbrain had masterfully laid a defensive network (when, in fact, he was just lost).

The Unexpected Victory​

Through a series of completely unplanned maneuvers, Captain Hoverbrain managed to:
  • Neutralize The Rival’s forces by leading them into the traps he didn’t know he set.
  • Outflank the enemy by taking wrong turns that just so happened to lead behind enemy lines.
  • Reach the Forgotten Temple first, not by strategy, but by blindly following his malfunctioning GPS as it loudly declared, “You have arrived at your destination!”

Conclusion: Against All Odds​

Against every conceivable odd, Captain Hoverbrain succeeded once again, foiling The Rival’s plans without even realizing there was a rivalry to begin with. As he looked at the Forgotten Temple and pondered how to get back (since his GPS was now demanding a software update), he accidentally activated the ancient temple’s defenses, sealing the victory and securing his place in military legend… whether he liked it or not.
 

RichinZhills

Corporal

Mission to Mars: Captain Hoverbrain’s Misguided Expedition​

Against all odds—and likely due to some clerical error—Captain Hoverbrain was chosen to lead the Expeditionary Forces to Mars. It was a historical milestone for a city still stuck in the Progressive Era, relying on coal-burning factories and bicycles with giant front wheels. But HQ was convinced that the Future Era Hover Tanks were the best bet for taking on the advanced Martian troops. After all, if Hover Tanks could survive latte-poisoned blowdarts and malfunctioning jungle GPS, surely they could handle a little red dust and thin atmosphere.

Manual Combat Techniques: A Necessary Regression​

Upon arrival, it became painfully clear that the Hover Tanks’ ConfuZ-Nav™ AI was as useless on Mars as it was in the jungle. The display showed nothing but a featureless red screen, with the Hover Tank’s blip spinning in its familiar loop of despair. The AI sputtered out:
  • “Error: Planet Not Found. Did you mean: Arizona?”
  • “Recalculating… Recalculating… Recalc— I give up.”
With the AI having another existential crisis, Captain Hoverbrain was forced to revert to manual combat techniques. This meant digging up ancient tools such as:
  • Binoculars—still set to “bird-watching” mode.
  • Slide Rules—which he attempted to use as a backscratcher before realizing their true purpose.
  • Trigonometry, or as Captain Hoverbrain called it, “math sorcery.”
  • And his new favorite book: "The Idiot’s Guide to Battling Mars Units", which he read religiously, even if he couldn’t pronounce half the words.

The Quantum Transporter Conundrum​

Getting around Mars wasn’t easy either. The Quantum Transporter—a piece of technology clearly stolen from a sci-fi movie—was the only way to move between sectors. However, it refused to run on anything but gold coins. And not just a handful, but a whopping 2.5 million coins per hop.
  • Every time Captain Hoverbrain punched in the coordinates, the Quantum Transporter would demand, “Insert 2.5 million coins or try walking.”
  • After the third attempt, it added, “Or just give up. Mars is overrated anyway.”
This drained the city’s treasury faster than Hover Tanks drained patience. The Finance Minister was seen weeping in his office, surrounded by empty coffers and piles of IOUs.

Battle Tactics: When in Doubt, Wing It​

Captain Hoverbrain, armed with his binoculars, slide rule, and the Idiots Guide, attempted to take on the Mars Units, who were well-equipped with:
  • Electromagnetic Pulse Cannons that fried electronics—including the Hover Tanks’ already useless AI.
  • Graviton Mines that sucked the Hover Tanks to the ground, turning them into impenetrable paperweights.
  • And the dreaded Phantom Beacons that canceled out invisibility, making the Hover Tanks about as stealthy as a parade float.
Still, Captain Hoverbrain was undeterred. He took a deep breath, peered through his binoculars, did some questionable trigonometry on his slide rule, and shouted, “CHAAAAARGE!”
  • Half the Hover Tanks immediately plummeted to the ground, ensnared by Graviton Mines.
  • The other half got lost because Captain Hoverbrain had his binoculars on backwards.
  • Martian troops watched in amused silence as the tanks rolled around aimlessly, like a pack of confused robo-armadillos.

The Silver Lining: Unintentional Genius​

Somehow—through a combination of dumb luck, strategic blunders, and unpredictable accidents—Captain Hoverbrain’s antics confounded the Martian forces. His habit of almost capturing sectors but leaving the last encounter untouched confused the enemy commanders, who spent hours debating his “strategy” before giving up in frustration.

Martian Generals were heard saying:
  • “We can’t counter what we don’t understand!”
  • “Is he a tactical genius or just… broken?”
  • “He’s playing 4D chess… or just flipping coins. I don’t know anymore.”
Meanwhile, back on Earth, his accidental victories earned him a promotion back to Captain, and his reputation grew as “The Mad Commander of Mars.”

To Be Continued…​

With his coin-guzzling Quantum Transporter, his gravity-challenged Hover Tanks, and his manual battle tactics, Captain Hoverbrain was unintentionally conquering Mars, one accidental skirmish at a time.

But the question remained:
Would he ever figure out how to actually finish a sector? Or would his legendary blunders continue to baffle and frustrate his enemies into submission?

Only time—and perhaps another chapter in the Idiot’s Guide—would tell.
 

RichinZhills

Corporal

Mars Mayhem: Captain Hoverbrain’s Anti-Gravity Adventure​

No one quite understood why Captain Hoverbrain was sent to lead the Expeditionary Forces to Mars. Maybe it was his accidental victories, or maybe HQ just wanted to get him as far away as possible. Either way, his Future Era Hover Tanks were the only units capable of challenging the advanced Martian troops.

Mars Gravity: Up, Up, and Away!​

Unfortunately, no one thought to recalibrate the Hover Tanks for Mars’ weaker gravity. Designed for Earth’s pull, they were programmed to generate just enough force to hover gracefully above the ground.

On Mars, however, this meant WAY TOO MUCH LIFT. The moment Captain Hoverbrain powered them on, the tanks shot straight up into the sky, spinning helplessly as the onboard AI panicked:
  • “Altitude limit exceeded! Calculating trajectory… never mind, we’re airborne!”
  • “Initiating landing sequence… oh wait, THERE IS NO LAND!”
With barely any atmosphere to slow them down, the Hover Tanks drifted across the red planet’s surface like a fleet of giant helium balloons on roller skates.
  • They bounced off craters.
  • Skidded across valleys.
  • And ricocheted off Martian rock formations like pinballs on a cosmic arcade machine.
Martian soldiers watched in awe as the tanks floated gracefully above their heads, completely oblivious to the chaos. One Martian Commander was overheard saying:
  • “Are they… fleeing? Or is this some kind of… new Earthling dance?”

Hover Tanks vs. Ice Rink Physics​

When they finally did come down—usually by slamming into each other—the tanks acted like they were gliding on ice.
  • Mars’ thin atmosphere meant there was almost no friction, so every slight movement sent them careening in random directions.
  • Trying to steer was impossible. Tanks slid sideways, spun in circles, and collided like bumper cars gone rogue.
  • Captain Hoverbrain tried to manually control the skidding behemoth but only managed to spin himself dizzy. He was last heard yelling, “LEFT! NO, THE OTHER LEFT!”
At one point, a group of Hover Tanks slid perfectly into formation… purely by accident.
  • Captain Hoverbrain took credit, calling it “The Hover Slide Maneuver.”
  • The onboard AI, still malfunctioning, announced, “Congratulations! You’ve invented the sport of Hover Curling.”

Martian Abilities: Keen Eye and Force Fields​

The Martian troops were nothing to scoff at either. They had two particularly nasty abilities:
  • Keen Eye, which doubles their damage output, making even a grazing shot hit like a freight train.
  • Force Fields, which blocked incoming attacks, effectively turning them into glowing, invulnerable bullies.
With their Hover Tanks sliding uncontrollably and floating into orbit, Captain Hoverbrain’s forces were practically target practice for the Martians:
  • Keen Eye let them pinpoint weaknesses in the tanks’ chassis—mostly caused by being built with repurposed toaster parts.
  • The Force Fields bounced back the few shots Captain Hoverbrain managed to fire, sending them ricocheting around the battlefield. In one memorable incident, he accidentally shot his own HQ, which he then blamed on a Martian Weather Balloon.

Accidental Genius, Again​

Yet, somehow, Captain Hoverbrain’s chaotic movements were so unpredictable that the Martians couldn’t land a solid hit.
  • They spent hours trying to calculate his trajectory, only to give up when his tanks would float off-screen without warning.
  • One Martian General cried out, “It’s like they don’t even know where they’re going! How are we supposed to predict that?”
Amazingly, his tanks would bounce into Martian positions, causing mass confusion and the occasional accidental victory. His accidental mastery of Mars physics earned him the nickname “Captain Chaos” among his troops.

Treasury Troubles: Quantum Transporter Blues​

Meanwhile, back in the city, the Quantum Transporter continued to drain the treasury at an alarming rate. At 2.5 million gold coins per jump, it was more expensive than the entire space program combined.
  • The Finance Minister took up busking in the market square to raise funds, his mournful lute songs about bankruptcy echoing through the streets.
  • Citizens started a GoFundMe to keep the city’s military campaign afloat, but donations were slow because everyone was still using coal money.

Stay Tuned for more adventures…​

With his tanks hovering like balloons, sliding like hockey pucks, and his finances in shambles, Captain Hoverbrain somehow continued to accidentally win battles through sheer chaos and luck.

But with Martian Keen Eyes targeting his tanks’ exposed underbellies and Force Fields deflecting his errant shots, could he possibly keep up his accidental winning streak?

Would he master Mars’ ice-rink physics, or would he be the first commander to conquer the galaxy by accident?

Stay tuned as Captain Hoverbrain’s anti-gravity misadventure continues, complete with more botched maneuvers, malfunctioning AI, and the ever-present threat of floating off into space.
 

RichinZhills

Corporal

The Diamond Dilemma: Captain Hoverbrain’s Mars Misadventure​

It finally happened—HQ sent out the dreaded memo.
  • Captain Hoverbrain was on his own.
  • The Diamond League Commanders were out for blood, and he was armed with four defective Hover Tanks and a bankrupt treasury.
  • Worse still, HQ refused to send any reinforcements. Apparently, setting up a remote HQ on Mars was considered “over-budget,” especially since they were still paying off the quantum transporter bills.

The Imminent Recall​

HQ also hinted at an imminent recall:
  • With the treasury in disarray, they were pulling the plug on Mars operations until they could mint more coins.
  • Captain Hoverbrain was to fall back through the Platinum League and regroup in the more affordable Gold League.
  • Mars, for the time being, would be on hold… along with his dreams of Galactic Glory.
The Finance Minister was last seen tearing his hair out while counting IOUs written on napkins. The latest GoFundMe campaign yielded 12 coins and a half-eaten sandwich.
  • HQ had to get creative—selling commemorative Mars mission T-shirts and renting out the Quantum Transporter for children’s birthday parties.

Hover Tank Hell​

Meanwhile, Motor-T was in shambles.
  • The four Hover Tanks were constantly in the shop, getting patched up with duct tape and hopes.
  • Engineers were using spare parts from old toasters and hand-me-down Graviton Traps just to keep them running.
  • They even tried using paperclips and chewing gum at one point, but that just made the onboard AI even more confused.
Reports came in that one of the tanks had floated upside down for an entire battle, its AI proudly declaring, “Success! We’re stealthier than ever!”
  • Captain Hoverbrain eventually gave up and declared it a “psychological warfare tactic.”

Latte Throwers and Rainforest Commandos​

To make matters worse, the captured provinces were infested with Latte Throwers.
  • Rainforest Commandos were paragliding in at night, dropping 5-for-1 latte specials like confetti.
  • They had somehow mixed their dart poison with the lattes, making them even more potent against the Hover Tanks’ Blue-Light Special Invisibility Sensors.
  • One tank got hit so many times that it short-circuited and started playing elevator music instead of engaging its stealth mode.
Captain Hoverbrain grumbled, “I swear, it’s like someone put up a flyer that said ‘Free Coffee and Target Practice!’”
  • His troops were slipping on spilled lattes, while the AI systems were glitching from caffeine overload.
  • At one point, the AI tried to order its own latte, citing “low energy levels.”

Diamond League Commanders: A Whole New Nightmare​

But the real challenge was facing the Diamond League Commanders.
  • These were the best of the best—calculated, strategic, and absolutely merciless.
  • They had force fields, Keen Eye abilities, and zero tolerance for Captain Hoverbrain’s chaotic tactics.
  • Worse yet, they had started setting up Graviton Traps of their own, causing his tanks to ricochet off invisible walls and spin uncontrollably.
The Diamond Commanders were also furious about all the random traps Captain Hoverbrain had left lying around.
  • One was overheard shouting, “I can’t take another turn without tripping over one of his stupid Hover Magnets!”
  • Another reportedly cried after getting hit by a rogue Graviton Trap and being flung across the map.

The Accidental Strategy​

In true Hoverbrain fashion, his chaos accidentally confused the Diamond Commanders just long enough for him to capture a few more provinces.
  • His night attacks were so poorly planned that the enemy never knew when to expect them.
  • Sometimes, he’d forget to complete the last encounter, leaving sectors in limbo and causing the Diamond Commanders to wait in frustration.
  • His bizarre troop movements left enemy scouts scratching their heads, wondering if it was a decoy or just plain incompetence.
One enemy commander threw up his hands and screamed, “How can I out-strategize someone who HAS NO STRATEGY?!”

The Beginning of the End​

Despite all the chaos, Captain Hoverbrain’s luck was running out.
  • The Quantum Transporter was burning through millions of gold coins faster than he could capture provinces.
  • The Diamond Commanders were getting wise to his random tactics and setting up ambushes.
  • The latte throwers were practically running coffee shops out of his captured sectors.

His ongoing saga…​

Would Captain Hoverbrain be able to hold his ground against the Diamond League Commanders? Or would he be recalled to the Platinum League in shame?
  • Would the Mars Campaign be remembered as a tragic military blunder or an accidental masterpiece of chaos?
  • Would the treasury ever recover, or would they be stuck selling Mars-themed coffee mugs just to pay the bills?
Stay tuned as Captain Hoverbrain’s chaotic career continues, with more latte-throwing commandos, broken Hover Tanks, and the ever-present threat of bankruptcy.
 
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