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"Watch out! ... oh no, oh dear, oh no!" screamed the hysterical villagers as they watched the fin sticking out of the water inexorably catch up with the Head.
The water turned crimson, all of Karnage disappeared from view ... and the tuba stopped playing.
"Maybe we should stop with the swimming nonsense?" suggested one of the villagers, realising the dangers that lurked in water. As a gesture of supplication to some form of gods, the villagers once more re-erected that sign with the squiggly water-borne creature on it, in the hope that it would be appeased once it realised that this was again reassuringly my village...
The fish suddenly realise that they are not dogs (being fish, the silly creatures MUST take things literally). Even worse, Seargant Bluefin de Tuna, head of the right-fin division points out that naterichster, with his wonderful aquatic abilities, must be one of their own kind! Amazed at the genius of their leader, the fish kick the creature that gave them the idea that their new friend was an enemy off the throne. In the process of the kick, I sneak in and take the throne.
And naterichster I've only ever done 200+ distance at short course, long course 50 though was 29.27 last November
A less literal, and more literary, minded shoal swims on by. At the front of it, Moby barges his way past all opposition to get to the 'throne', swamping it with water in the process. The bedraggled occupant is forced aside by the piscine weight opposing him. Unlike the previous pretender, Billy doesn't need to sneak anywhere. He calmly approaches and takes what is rightfully his, proclaiming smugly: "My village!"
Let it be known throughout the land that whosoever admits to a crime; be it the most murderous of misdeeds or the least idiotic of idiosyncrasies; such a man shall henceforth and forever be warrant to immediate and irreversible exile from the Village, without trial and with disregard to error.
LAW 4551, AUTHORISED BY BTF (RULER, Village)
"Abhorrent traits in any ruler," declared the Lord High Chamberlain to his master as they roamed the palatial grounds (built of course at the expense of everyone except the ruler - global warming was at an all time high with the ruler, who paid no heed to all the warnings that the Forged Nations presented to him each year, merely sending them back their proposed resolutions shredded to pieces by a paper shredder that had also been obtained just to spite the environment)
"I agree, Lord High Chamberlain," said the ruler - before clapping his hand over his gills in frustration as he realised that he had just condemned himself to exile.
"Aha!" said the Chamberlain. "Now I've got you!"
Saying thus and with an almighty kick the Chamberlain disposes of the Fish sending him streaking through the air, right into the mouth of a mako shark who is delighted with the fourth Exocoetidae to enter his gastrointestinal system that day. So delighted, in fact, that it makes its way to the Village, where I sit enthroned now, and prowls about day and night ensuring that I am safe from the meanest of opposition, oceanic, amphibious or otherwise, while my pitiable predecessor has no rest from his constant hand-to-hand combat with Pepsin and co. in the mako's gut.