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King of the Village!


As we all know, the man we all know as Karnage had returned to the village.
What he didn't know though, was that naterichster had survived their battle, and had been nursed back to health by a small group of women living just outside the village.
When naterichster had regained his strength, he asked the women one last question before he left.
"Do you trust Karnage?"
Their reply was "No, not one little bit."
naterichster smiled at this, and he walked up to the village which, over the last year and a half, had grown into a respectably sized city.
As he stood on a hill which was overlooking the village, he heard a great rumbling sound.
It was a huge army, five times the size of Karnage's army. As they approached, naterichster walked up to them calmly and spoke to their leader.
His name was Jaq Moliss, and the two struck a deal.
If the men slew Karnage, naterichster could have the city, and the army would live in the city.
The giant army was delighted when they heard this, because they were hunting down Karnage, who had burnt their own village to the ground.
They attacked at dawn, and they were victorious.
The townspeople cried out in joy, because they had not lived under Karnage because of love, but of fear.
There was a certain happiness in the air, for the true King naterichster had been victorious once more.
And the next day, there was a massive change in the city.
The Iron Age had begun.

Oh, by the way, my village.

Billy the Fish

The scout looked down upon the city with some confusion. "What on earth happened?" he asked the man on his left.
"Hmm ..." pondered Mandrubar, "...it would appear the settlement has regressed to the iron age, I believe."
"But how can that be?!!" exclaimed the scout, "when we left it happily in the middle ages?"
Mandrubar shrugged "Perhaps someone got confused."

They retreated quickly back to their army's supply camp and picked up several middle-aged weapons to use as bribes.
Stealthily returning to the settlement they offered them to the mercenary Moliss to overthrow the latest pretender to the throne, subsequently placing naterichster's head on a pike, along with Karnage's, and set them up either side of the gates to the enlarged village.

There was just one last thing lacking ... but soon the local artisans had prepared a replica of that great sign (you know, the one with the squiggly shark on it) to proclaim to those who passed by that this was once more my village.
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"They're drooling again!" giggled seven year old Pontius Actamious.

The local children gathered around with interest. naterichster and Billy the Kid, those evil men, now humbled, groaned sleepily and turned over in their cage, snoring so loudly that Farmer Plod stuck his head out of his Brownstone to see if those infernal kids had started his windmill again.

"Remember when they seemed to think they were fighting a battle?" put in Helmut, son of Helmet. "I bet they dreamed they had beaten our great King Karnage!"

The cage, a ten-by-ten enclosure where the former evil rulers had been imprisoned in response to much hopeful begging by the townsfolk that Karnage, in all his benevolence and mercy to the evil men, had agreed.

Having nothing much to do, they would snooze all day, and only be awoken by a well aimed tomato to the head - usually by Helmut and his clique.

It was to the great amusement of the villagers that they always seemed to be in tremendous shock when they woke up - they always seemed to dream that they were back on the throne, harassing the poor townsfolk.

"Shhhh!" Helmut ordered.
"Shhhh yourself!" retorted Pontius. "It's my turn to throw the tomato!"
"Oh go and boil your hea-!"

But it was too late. A practiced flick from Helmut's wrist with a hearty accompaniment of a "THAT'S FOR EXECUTING UNCLE FERDINAND!!!" sent the fruit soaring at a velocity of sixteen metres per second where it landed, SPLAT! in the middle of naterichster's head. Or it could have been Billy - they both smelled equally Fishy.

"Oi!!!!" Roared naterichster and clouted his companion on the skull.
"What's biting you, you stone age hut!" bellowed the the Fishy one.

But before they could go at it hammer and tongs, they caught a sudden glimpse of the eager children, who were placing seashells as bets on who would win while the others were watching, grinning with glee.

The evil men groaned. Not another dream! Then they knelt down, flung their arms to the sky and screamed "NOOOOOOO!!!"

(Billy the fish stopped halfway as Pontius, not to be outdone, sent a maggoty apple careering into his mouth with immaculate aim, bellowing, "THAT'S FOR BURNING DOWN OUR HOUSE WITHOUT TELLING US TO COME OUT FIRST!!!"

Just as the evil duo sank to the ground, ready to drown their sorrows in another snooze they caught the glimmering stature of King Karnage the Just, gliding towards the cage, softly smiling and whispering,

"It is my village, you know."
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Then Karnage woke up, and he realised that he was dreaming again, and he saw that he was in a dungeon.

And there was a note there from King naterichster the Fearless, which read:

"My Village."



We have been authorised to place you under open arrest for violating Act 22 B, Unit 4.6 (Index 3) of the King of the Village copyright act. stated the letter.


It continued:
Evidence concerning your sheer cheek in copying the essence of the post former to yours, which was patented by Karnage in accordance with The Post Protection Act (1998 BC) .


Naterichster sat up in his chair. He was suddenly afraid. Then he continued to read

The FBI have arrived at your door. You will be deported to Australia immediately.


Chief Leutnant Himmler De Fuhrer of the FBI marches in through the door. "Didn't you hear us knocking, you higher middler ager, you!"

"But...but-" Naterichster was cut short with a smirking "Save it for the Judge!" from the Chief Leutnant, who had always wanted to say that. It was the reason he had joined the FBI in fact.

Hauled away, Naterichster was soon safely at the bottom of a prison cell, guarded 24 hours by the most bloodthirsty AI troops he had ever seen. Vowing to get his revenge on the devs who had created such monstrous warriors, Naterichster paced up and down the cell.

However, Naterichster was among the cleverest of the evil rulers who had harrassed the villagers. He had even been invited into Mensa. It was only a matter of time before Naterichster had devised a crafty and elaborate escape strategy.

Suddenly , he stopped short and gasped. He gasped again, his pupils dilating with such force that his radial muscles gave in their resignation, tired out.

Then he out a bellow of rage, forgetting all his beautiful plans.
The gargantuan roar of rage that emanated from the cell shook even the foundations of the palace upon which Karnage the Just sat enthroned. It made even him just wonder if the little teaser he had prepared for the prisoner would have unforseen repurcussions:

For there, taped to the wall of the prison cell was a papyrus, unmistakably out of the HMA.

On it was a smiley face preceding a caption that chortled

"My Village".

Billy the Fish

Two rogues lay on a ridge overlooking the settlement.
"Looks like it's quietened down now" said the tall thin one.
"Let's go take a closer look" replied the other.

They snuck in and soon were in the heart of the bustling place. They stopped by the site where prisoners were locked up.
"Now let's have some fun. We may need a distraction later" suggested the shorter rogue, who seemed to be in charge, in a loose kind of way.
With a bit of sleight of hand, a few disguises, judicious use of force, two bits of wire, and a sticky piece of string, they freed the prisoners and substituted them with unconscious guards.
"You're free. Don't be afraid to go out and make trouble" the shorter (and somewhat tubby) rogue instructed the prisoners.

Then it was up to Karnage's pad they slinked. Again using sleight of hand, several disguises, judicious use of force, three bits of wire this time, and the same sticky piece of string, they broke in, disabled the guards, then proceeded to truss up Karnage, fully shaved his body, tarred and feathered him, then drew a false moustache on his face for comedy value.
"Well, that's another nice mess we've got him into" said the rogue.
"Yes Ollie", replied Stan, the taller rogue.

They left quickly, but not without leaving a few surprises hidden around the place. They figured it wouldn't be long before someone was back to reclaim the place, so it couldn't hurt to leave themselves some help to re-take it later...

Before scarpering back up to the ridge, they unfurled a flag, the portable version of the sign with the squiggly shark, which would once again proclaim quite simply that this was my village.



naterichster took a reality check just then and relised that the village researchers had not yet acheived the colonial age, so he realised that all of this was a dream and woke up.


Billy the Fish

"THEN THINK HARDER!" screamed the village leader, furious that they were not anywhere near Colonial Age yet.

The scientists got back into a huddle, and then suddenly, as if by magic a "Crane" was discovered, and the settlement began to produce Talc and Basalt stone.
It wasn't Colonial, but at least the leader was mollified that they'd progressed to a new age.

The Basalt was used to produce a large grand, and very solid, sign at the edge of the settlement. Being in such hard stone it looked something like a fossilised shark, perhaps a great Megalodon of prehistoric times. Nonetheless its salient meaning was clear to those in the know, that this was once more my village...


a couple of workers from the gold mines were paid a very high amount to take down the sign, and replace it with anothe one that had a certain abstract tree on it.

Billy the Fish

The taller of the two rogues scratched his head and looked at the sign with a very puzzled look on his face. But then most of what he did in life he managed to do with the same look.
"What is it meant to be, Ollie?" he asked his accomplice.
"It's clearly a modern wind farm" he replied knowingly.
Since they deemed this utterly anachronistic, the two rogues removed the gold workers' sign, and then planted a flag again. They liked flags.
And once again the squiggly shark flapped happily in the breeze, simplistically signifying the reinstatement of my village.


Billy the Fish

Both rogues shook their heads as they leaned over the pathetic corpse on the ground.
"He burned the shark?, really?" the shorter one chortled as they wrapped up the body and dumped it in a shallow grave.
"Doesn't even look like he tried, really" he continued; "A pity, given earlier promise."
The smaller rogue briefly scribbled a squiggly shark on a piece of paper and pinned it to a nearby rock close to the entrance of what was, once again, clearly my village...

Billy the Fish

The ghosts of two rogues rose slowly from the ground. The shorter one turned to his accomplice and with a very grumpy expression said: "well that's another fine mess you've got us into!"

Fortunately they found terrorising the townsfolk to be fun. Racing through walls screaming at guards and watching them flee was the best sport of all though.

Soon this was officially the most haunted village in all the land. So the townsfolk felt forced to do something that made the ex-rogues happy enough to reduce their nightly roving. They re-erected that good old sign, the one with the squiggly shark on it, to admit that it was slightly better when this was my village...


Stan Sternum, tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth and eyebrows screwed up into a frown that folded his forehead into crevasses that made the Himalayas shudder with shock and enter early retirement, had finally added the finishing touches to his Application for Senior Ghostship in the Village of the Squiggly Fish.

It was about his moment that a stray pair of neurons in the frontal lobe of his ghostly cerebral cortex finally connected and allowed him to think rationally; why in all ghostliness did he ever hand over kingship to that fishy looking Bill-like being?

After all, it was he who had done all the dirty work, disposing of ruler after ruler...naterichster...Karnage...tears of sorrow seeped into poor Stan's eyes as a flood of nostalgia enveloped his heart like a cocoon of cold ice - the happy smile on the face of Karnage as he went about in the streets, bringing peace to all he met, spreading love amongst the populace, reaching out even to the meanest of townsfolk...

He turned and started as he saw the face of his brother, partner and lifelong friend Ollie Old studying his features. Stan had always been the odd one out...bullied at school in Bronze Age, his application to the Goat Farms at Iron age rejected with much scorn and derision...yet Ollie...his brother...they were inseparable. Stan had in fact been born fifteen months ahead of Ollie - yet he always viewed his brother as the older one.

They looked at each other for a minute.

Ollie spoke first and Stan knew that they had been having the same thoughts.

"He offered us pardon..." the voice was barely a whisper and the memories glistened in Ollie's eyes, dripping down his oily cheeks.

"He could have had us beheaded, yet he chose to give us pardon!" Stan's voice rose into a wail and his brother leaped forward to catch him as he fell, sobbing onto the ground.

The two rouges had been through a lot. They had killed, stolen, disposed of rulers - even endured death and Ollie even had "Level Two Certificate in Ghostly Studies" proudly imprinted on his resume.

Yet they had tried, for a long time, to push that image out of their mind. The image of Karnage, the greatest king their world had ever enjoyed, on his feet, staring death in the eye, looking at them with pity as they dragged him out of the city he had built on foundations of love.

New fury erupted in the soul of Stan Sternum as he recalled exactly what their mighty, yet Fishy ruler, had done for them. NOTHING.

"It's time."

Stan and Ollie made their way out of their ghostly establishments and drifted onto the streets, barely nodding at their neighbour Bartholomew Boggart, who had been executed only a week ago.

The traps they had set in place the last time they saw Karnage worked to their benefit. Having placed so much trust in that his loyal servants would never dare betray him, Billy the Fish only gasped with indignation as Stan, with the mighty thump capable only of a ghostly being, clouted him on the head and deposited him in the trap where Karnage was imprisoned.

"Why, Billy!" murmured Karnage. "How nice of you to visit! I suppose naterichster is back?" He smiled pityingly as Billy gave a growl of rage and leapt for his throat.

"Now, now, Im sure you'll get you village back soon," he said comfortingly. Billy was taken aback. "Really?" he asked. "No!" roared Karnage and the two went at it hammer and tongs.

Well matched they were, yet Karnage, aided by his trusty right arm swing soon had soon pushed Billy into a aquarium. Having locked it up, Karnage performed the simplest of levitation charms and was soon out of his cell.

Karnage was back.

Three words. Yet there were only three other words that could have changed the lives of the village folk more than they did.
The Golden Era had returned - this time, the people hoped, it was here to stay.

Naterichester you like swimming? I am so pleased that I benevolently allow you half my village as reward.

Sources report that former dictator and well know aquatic being Billy the Fish has escaped from his confines at Aquariam Prison Inc. Ruler Karnage the Just declined to comment, though a reliable inside source informs us that the King is slightly pertubed. Does his fear revenge? CONT. PAGE 6.
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Billy the Fish

Bob read through the headlines of the articles on page 6 of the Middle-Aged-Informer, an era-appropriate tabloid:
- Dribbling lunatic bushwacks king and reclaims village.
- Populace in fear of torrential flood soon to come.
- Ghosts confused about the possibility of corporeality.

Bob shook his head. Surely no-one believed the rubbish they wrote in these things?
He reached for his drink and then decided he'd had enough as a large fish ran past him babbling to itself "my village, my village, my village"...


As I recapture the notorious Billy the Fish on my half of the village, I lock him up and whisper in a menacing voice


Oh yeah, Karnage, are you a swimmer?
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One day,while walking down the streets of his newly acquired village, naterichster found himslelf in a roaring galestorm. "Ha!" he thought. "This is nothing for a veteran like me - I go through this six days a week."

Unfortunately, naterichster was badly mistaken. For it was not a gale, but only the bow wave created by Karnage as he roared down the stretch with a long loping freestyle , swatting naterichster into the high heavens by executing a perfect flip turn right on his nose.

Enthroned emperor-overlord-of-the-world, Karnage's new law that all citizens be perfect at all four disciplines of swimming soon had (to the delight of the villagers) everyone qualifying for the Forgympic Games, and securing Karnage a safe spot at the next village elections too.

My village.

And yes, naterichster:)

Billy the Fish

Umm ... not to put too fine a point on it, but do you swim like a "...."

Gobsmacked villagers practicing for the Forgympic Games are left looking on in awe as a "...." swims past them, elegantly graceful and faster than they could ever hope to be. So much so that the village elections swing straight round to Billy (but when did this become a wretched democracy anyway?) who then runs round the streets shouting joyfully "My village, my village, my village!"


lol, i swim faster than all of you and kick you all out.

My villaGE
Hey Karnage...
Whats ur 50 free time short course?